Taking the good with the things you wish you could change

I was going to title this "Taking the good with the Bad" but really the bad things aren't bad so to speak - only things I wish I could change. An example might help...

I love looking over to see my husband watching after Chloe, getting her setup on the sofa on her play mat, turning on Radio Mozart on his laptop so she can listen to classical music and hearing him comment about her smile. What I wish I could change is how long it takes me to tidy up after my darling husband and child every day just so I can find the things I need to work on and make sense of my day. I used to ask Alan to put his shaving cream away, put down the toilet seat, hang up his robe, close the doors to the wardrobe or the dresser and to wipe down the counters and the stove when he cleans the kitchen instead of just doing the dishes. Now, I just do it myself. Now don't get me wrong he does do a lot of amazing things that really help us as a family. He walks webster twice a day, vaccuums when it's desperately needed, he manages all the maintenance for the house and he has good intentions about keeping the car working. He also loves on me and encourages me, spends a lot of time with the Lord, genuinely wants to help and volunteers to serve others frequently and he loves our daughter to bits.

My point?? You've got to take the good with the things you wish you could change. Pray about those things that bug you but in the end - if you're the only one they bug, then just do them yourself. No matter what, fighting or arguing or letting the little stuff ruin your day or worse yet, your relationship, is NOT worth it. So often I see girls I used to work with get so uptight and angry over their boyfriends, fiance's or husbands not behaving as they would have them behave and who is the one that suffers the most? Usually, the girl. So, my advice? Give it up - take the good with the things you wish you could change and lighten up a little. So what if you spend a bit longer every day getting things tidy or you spend an evening alone while your better half goes out with his friends. In the end, what you have is worth so much more than losing it, isn't it?

Being a mom and our monthly update...

Well I have discovered a new found respect for all mothers out there after only two weeks of being one myself...

Being a momma is HARD! :) It is also incredibly rewarding though. Every day when Chloe looks up at me and smiles when I feed her or this morning when I woke her up saying, "Good morning sweetheart" and she just smiled away before opening her eyes... these are the greatest rewards going - better than any promotion or raise around. When she looks at me in desperation as if to say, "I am going to have a nervous breakdown unless you feed me", it shows me how much she is relying on us as parents to provide and care for her. Yes I am completely in love with and absolutely addicted to this little 9lb wonderful miracle of God. Alan and I were discussing it the other night and I just can't imagine how anyone could harm one of these precious children - inside the womb or out. It's simply inconceivable to me.

Yesterday Chloe was two weeks old. I am recovering ok from the c-section surgery but I will be the first to say it is NOT minor surgery - it's major and after 2 weeks I'm still trying to deal with the pain around my incision and terrible backaches. Chloe has done well. The midwife says she is growing and is a very strong baby which is good. She's had a bit of breathing difficulty but supposedly it's normal and she may be experiencing some reflux but hopefully that will pass. Tonight our sweet church is throwing Chloe a welcome party at our pastors house and we're looking forward to that. Alan worked for the first time since Chloe was born at the CVJM today. He said he really felt blessed by the Lord for doing the work and said it was as if God told him that even doing a days work by himself while everyone else was on holiday, would bring Him glory so that makes him feel good.

In the next week or so I have to focus on sending out our next newsletter for Pioneers and updating our supporters and friends on our progress here. Right now we're running into a bit of a deficit with our budget as half a dozen friends who committed to giving haven't followed through as of yet and the vocational income we hoped to earn hasn't been allowed due to health insurance costs and issues. We also had the unanticipated difficulty with our car blowing up on the autobahn and the associated expense of getting another.

Alan asks me occassionally if I'm worried about finances and in reality I'm really not. I figure if God is the one that has called us here to Germany then He will find people that will support us and be blessed by doing it. It's just a question of trusting Him, doing the work He's called us to do and prayer I think.

Well, hopefully I'll get back into the swing of keeping this blog updated now that Chloe is here and we're getting more settled. I was encouraged to include a copy of the first email I sent to her a few days ago. I saw this done on a commercial and thought it was such a good idea. I hope to write to her every chance I get so that when she's older she has a record of her life. Especially since you can attach pictures and videos to the emails. :) I won't share all of these emails on my blog but since this tells the details of her birth I thought I would include it.

Being a momma is the greatest gift I've ever received but it's not for the cowardly or weak at heart. God has to give you a special kind of love and energy to be a momma but oh it's soooo worth it! :)

Here is Chloe's first email from her momma... If you want to send Chloe an email you can write to her at chloeleerathbone@gmail.com. I'm sure she'd love to hear from you! :)

Hey sweet Chloe,
It's your mom here... just wanted you to know what a joy you are to your dad and me. We couldn't love you any more than we do. We got this idea from a commercial we saw online of a dad who wrote to his daughter via email as she was growing up. I hope to read these to you one day so you'll know just how precious you have always been to us. Here are the things we remember from your first two weeks with us...

You were scheduled for a c-section two weeks early because the doctor thought you would be too big to wait until your due date and also because at the time you were lying traverse inside me and the doctor didn't think you would turn the right way for delivery. At first you were breech for a very long time but we asked our housegroup at Victory International Church in Heidelberg to pray for you and they did and low and behold the day before your c-section you turned the right way and the doctor let us leave the hospital to go home to wait for you to come naturally.

Well two weeks passed and your original due date - May 26th passed as well and still you hadn't arrived. Your gamma and gampa from Georgia arrived on the morning of the 27th but they too had to wait like us to see what you would do. At this point we were going to the doctor every two days to check on your heartrate and make sure everything was ok. On Saturday your heartrate was a little fast so the doctor on duty told us we needed to come back on Sunday to be measured again and she also called Dr. Hanke (your doctor) who said he wanted to induce me on Monday if you hadn't come naturally by then.

Monday came and we checked into the hospital and they started the inducing procedures but still you didn't want to come out just yet so the doctor said he thought it was best to deliver you by c-section on Tuesday. At this point we agreed with him because we wanted you to be delivered the very safest way and we prepared ourselves to welcome you!

Mommy tried to have spinal anesthesia but it didn't work properly so I had to have general anesthesia which was ok but it left me very tired and groggy after the surgery -- plus I couldn't see you right away but daddy and gamma and gampa were with you to take care of you so that was ok. Your grandma Margaret from England and your auntie Christine from Wales flew down to meet you a few days after you were born and they thought you were adorable!

We left the hospital four days later with our little miracle - YOU! Mommy was still in lots of pain but I wanted the house to be nice and perfect for you when you got home. Here are some pictures of your first nursery... Your daddy put together your crib and your dresser and bed and wardrobe. He loves you sooooo much!!

It's been almost two weeks now since you were born and daddy and I are adjusting to getting up with you every night to feed and change you and to cuddle. You are so loving and sweet we could just stare at you all day long and never get bored. Daddy and I wonder what your first word will be - I thought "milk" but daddy hopes it's "love". We sure tell you we love you a lot through the day so maybe he'll be right. We also wonder what color your eyes will be. Your hair is just like your mommy's - autumn and already thick in the back. Your eyes are blue now but they are darker than your daddies. I think you'll have your moms hair and your daddies eyes but no matter what you will be loved, loved, loved.

You are our precious answer to prayer - our gift from Jesus and we will love you and protect you always...

Love,
Mommy and Daddy :)

Chloe, new connections and the CVJM

I wanted to update our blog as to what else we're up to other than waiting for our little girl (Chloe) to arrive. I will talk briefly about Chloe at the end but wanted to give you some more ideas as to what Alan has been up to while I've been preparing to give birth. :)

As we stated a few posts earlier, we stopped our German class in April in anticipation of Chloe's birth. We met so many great people. Even our teachers were really nice so I miss being there. I love meeting people from different cultures and getting to know them better. God was good to introduce us to so many in just the two short months we were there. Hopefully we can return to class soon although I'm not sure they allow babies in tow?

I guess it was about 6 weeks ago now when Alan decided to organize a mens night with the church. He wanted a curry night and so five of them ended up going to the Indian Palace in Heidelberg for dinner. It was a smaller turnout than we had hoped but in a way it was good because that's where he got to know a man by the name of Peter who is a doctor, living in Heidelberg with his wife and three children. He isn't practicing right now but instead he is traveling around and advising different countries on health practices. Anyway, Alan and he got to talking and Alan discovered that Peter and his wife Karen had been missionaries in the past and that they had a lot of good connections in the Heidelberg area so Alan decided to volunteer to help Peter with some work he was doing around his house for a few weeks. The work ended up being landscaping and some brick laying work for a nice patio and I think it was good for Alan to be able to have the time to "get his hands dirty" again. He was getting antsy and God brought the opportunity at the right time.

Also from this work Alan was given contact information for the CVJM, Heidelberg's YMCA. He was interested primarily because he heard it was much more christian focused than the YMCA in England or the US and that they even held a monthly youth service and a weekly Sunday service. He decided he would go by and check things out and see about volunteering in some way and when he did he was welcomed with open arms. We were invited to attend their monthly youth service about 3 weeks ago on a Saturday night and it was awesome. So many young people, in the age range we want to work with, just worshipping and praising God. Mind you it was primarily in German which made it difficult to understand but the worship was great. Afterwards we got a tour of their facility and we got really excited about everything they have going on. Alan decided to go and volunteer the next week and so he went a couple of days and helped with laying a tile patio (similar to the work he'd just done for Peter and his family). He loved it. He came home every night just glowing, loving doing work for the Lord and loving getting to know the young people and trying to practice his German.

It was that week that we went to the doctor and discovered that Chloe was still traverse (at 37 weeks) and that she would need to come by c-section and that because she was already approaching 8.5lbs that the doctor wanted to schedule a c-section for 9 days away. We were floored by this, thinking we had at least 3 weeks still to go but we trusted the doctors wisdom and started making plans.

Well, that c-section was supposed to have happened this morning but instead our "precious little girl to be" decided to turn into the proper position for giving birth naturally. It was funny because we cleaned the house like mad, checked webster into a kennel, packed our belongings for five days at the hospital and went to check-in. We had to do a ton of paperwork, we met with the anesthesiologist, viewed the maternity ward, chose our room and had the babies heartbeat monitored by the midwife. We then had a scan to check Chloe's position and low and behold she had turned. I told the midwife that the doctor didn't think she would turn and that's why we were having the c-section but that we had prayed she would and wanted to have a natural birth if at all possible. She said she would call the doctor to see what he wanted to do. He said we needed to come over to his office so he could examine Chloe and when we did he just felt between my pelvis bone and said, "yup, there's her head and you wanted a natural birth so you're free to go and come back and see me in a week!". We couldn't believe it. Alan was so made up but I had mixed feelings because I had prayed a ton and gotten so much good advice from my sister and others that had had c-sections that I was now pretty much prepared to have one. Chloe would then be here and out of me in less than 24hours. Still, we went back to the kennel and picked webster back up, come home and unpacked and then called our families to let them know the news. I was exhausted but we're excited to be trusting God about what's ahead.

Awesome housegroup tonight. We just love the people in the church and how God uses them in our lives. There was a precious missionary couple there serving in the middle east with YWAM and we really loved getting to know them. What a powerful ministry they have in a country where christians are persecuted regularly for their faith. Please lift them up in prayer as the reason they have been here these last two weeks is because he was diagnosed with cancer and they have been awaiting results of their tests. They now have to go to Brazil for treatment but we're just praying God will wipe the cancer out completely so that when they show up the doctors are amazed that God has cured him and there is no longer any need for the chemo.

Anyway, we'll update again once Chloe is here. We are so thankful for friends and family that stand by us, support us, pray for us and genuinely just love Jesus and want to serve Him the best way they know how. We pray God will bless each of you and we ask that if you have anything we could pray for on your behalf that you will not be shy but that you will send us an email or a facebook message letting us know. Praise God for his continued faithfulness to us all.

Five purposes for your life and key concepts from the book...

This is from the Purpose Driven Life, a book written by Rick Warren and the book our church in Heidelberg has been going through for Lent. It was a challenging book and I loved it but there was so much to take in that I really needed to summarize it in some way so I could digest it better over the next forty days and beyond. Maybe you will find these notes from the book useful:

Purpose Driven Life
Key Concepts
 Focusing on ourselves will never reveal our life’s purpose
 You were made by God and for God and until you understand that, life will never make sense
 It’s not about me
 Long before you were conceived by your parents, you were conceived in the mind of God.
 I am not an accident
 Nothing matters more than knowing God’s purpose for your life, and nothing can compensate for not knowing them.
 If you want your life to have impact, focus it!
 You weren’t put on earth to be remembered. You were put here to prepare for eternity.
 Living on purpose is the path to peace.
 This life is preparation for the next.
 When you live in light of eternity, your values change
 There is more to life than just here and now
 Character is both developed and revealed by tests, and all of life is a test
 The more God gives you, the more responsible he expects you to be
 Life is a test and a trust
 Your identity is in eternity, and your homeland is heaven
 Earth is not our final home; we were created for something much better
 Living for God’s glory is the greatest achievement we can accomplish with our lives
 When anything in creation fulfills its purpose, it brings glory to God
 Jesus will give you everything you need to live for him
 It’s all for him
 Anything you do that brings pleasure to God is an act of worship
 I was planned for God’s pleasure
 What God wants most from you is a relationship
 Trusting God completely means having faith that he knows what’s best for your life.
 God enjoys watching every detail of your life
 God smiles when I trust him
 Offering yourself to God is what worship is all about
 Surrender is best demonstrated in obedience and trust
 Surrender is not the best way to live; it is the only way to live. Nothing else works.
 The heart of worship is surrender
 Knowing and loving God is our greatest privilege, and being known and loved is God’s greatest pleasure
 Everything you do can be “spending time with God” if he is invited to be a part of it and you stay aware of his presence
 God wants to be my best friend
 God doesn’t expect you to be perfect, but he does insist on complete honesty
 Bitterness is the greatest barrier to friendship with God
 The more you become God’s friend, the more you will care about the things he cares about
 I’m as close to God as I choose to be
 God-pleasing worship is deeply emotional and deeply doctrinal. We use both our hearts and our heads.
 The best style of worship is the one that most authentically represents your love for God.
 Real worship is rooted in the Word.
 God wants all of me
 God admits that sometimes he hides his face from us
 The most common mistake Christians make in worship today is seeking an experience rather than seeking God
 When you feel abandoned by God yet continue to trust him, you worship him in the deepest way.
 God is real, no matter how I feel
 Your spiritual family is even more important than your physical family because it will last forever.
 Being included in God’s family is the highest honor and the greatest privilege you will ever receive
 I was formed for Gods family
 Relationships are what life is all about
 The greatest gift you can give someone is your time
 Live is all about love
 We discover our role in life through our relationships with others
 The church will outlive this universe, and so will your role in it
 Jesus has not promised to build your ministry; he has promised to build his church.
 I am called to belong, not just believe.
 Real fellowship happens when people get honest about who they are and what is happening in their lives
 Every time you understand and affirm someone’s feelings, you build fellowship
 I need others in my life
 When conflict is handled correctly, we grow closer to each other
 Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less
 The fellowship of the church is more important than any individual
 Community requires commitment
 God expects you to make the first move
 In resolving conflict, how you say it is as important as what you say
 Reconciliation focuses on the relationship while resolution focuses on the problem
 Relationships are always worth restoring
 Nothing on earth is more valuable to God than his church
 We must passionately love the church in spite of its imperfections
 We protect the fellowship when we honor those who serve us by leading
 It is my responsibility to protect the unity of my church
 Gods ultimate goal for your life on earth is not comfort; but character development
 Your character is essentially the sum of your habits
 God is far more interested in what you are than in what you do
 I was created to become like Christ
 We become whatever we are committed to
 The way you think determines the way you feel, and the way you feel influences the way you act
 It is never too late to start growing
 The Spirit of God uses the Word of God to make us like the Son of God
 Many who claim to believe the Bible “from cover to cover” have never read it from cover to cover”
 The truth will set you free, but first it may make you miserable!
 The truth transforms me
 Your most profound and intimate experiences of worship will likely be in your darkest days
 Everything that happens to you has spiritual significance
 What happens outwardly in your life is not as important as what happens inside you.
 There is purpose behind every problem
 God develops the fruit of the Spirit by allowing you to experience circumstances in which you’re tempted to express the exact opposite quality!
 We think temptation lies around us, but God says it begins within us
 Temptation is a sign that Satan hates you, not a sign of weakness or worldliness
 Every temptation is an opportunity to do good
 The battle for sin is won or lost in your mind. Whatever gets your attention will get you
 The truth is, whatever you can’t talk about is already out of control in your life
 Don’t ever try to argue with the Devil. He’s better at arguing than you are, having had thousands of years to practice
 There is always a way out
 While we worry about how fast we grow, God is concerned about how strong we grow.
 There is no growth without chance, no change without fear or loss and no loss without pain
 God is never in a hurry, but he is always on time.
 There are no shortcuts to maturity
 If I have no love for others, no desire to serve others, I should question whether Christ is really in my life
 Spiritual maturity is never an end in itself. We grow up in order to give out
 Service is the pathway to real significance
 Service is not optional
 God never wastes anything
 An unopened gift is worthless
 When you are doing what you love to do, no one has to motivate you
 I was shaped for serving God
 What I’m able to do, God wants me to do
 It feels good to do what God made you to do
 For God to use your painful experiences, you must be willing to share them.
 Nobody else can be me
 You will never know what you’re good at until you try
 God wants you to enjoy using the shape he has given you
 God deserves my best
 Your shape reveals your ministry, but your servant’s heart will reveal your maturity
 Great opportunities often disguise themselves in small tasks
 I serve God by serving others
 Real servants don’t try to use God for their purposes. They let God use them for his purposes.
 The close you get to Jesus, the less you need to promote yourself
 To be a servant I must think like a servant
 If God only used perfect people, nothing would ever get done
 Your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts
 God works best when I admit my weakness
 Jesus calls us not only to come to him but to go for him
 The Great Commission was given to every follower of Jesus
 It is easy to get distracted because Satan would rather have you do anything besides sharing your faith
 I was made for a mission
 Shared stories build a relational bridge that Jesus can walk across from your heart to others.
 While it is wise to learn from experience, it is wiser still to learn from the experience of others
 God wants to say something to the world through me.
 It has never been easier in history to fulfill your commission to go to the whole world
 People may refuse our love or reject our message, but they are defenseless against our prayers
 “You can’t take it with you” – but the Bible says you can send it on ahead by investing in people who are going there!
 The Great Commission is my commission
 A great commitment to the Great Commandment and the Great Commission will make you a great Christian
 You owe it to future generations to preserve the testimony of how God helped you fulfill his purposes on earth.
 Blessed are the balanced
 When God’s at the center of your life, you worship. When he’s not, you worry
 Before most unbelievers accept the Bible as credible they want to know that we are credible
 You can start living on purpose today
 Living on purpose is the only way to really live

The Five Purposes with key points that really spoke to me:

1. “Love God with all your heart”: You were planned for God’s pleasure, so your purpose is to love God through worship
 What God wants most from you is a relationship
 Trusting God completely means having faith that he knows what’s best for your life
 Anything you do that brings pleasure to God is an act of worship
 Surrender is best demonstrated in obedience and trust
 The heart of worship is surrender
 The best style of worship is the one that most authentically represents your love for God
 When you feel abandoned by God yet continue to trust him, you worship him in the deepest way

2. “Love your neighbor as yourself”: You were shaped for serving, so your purpose is to show love for others through ministry
 If I have no love for others, no desire to serve others, I should question whether Christ is really in my life
 An unopened gift is worthless
 When you are doing what you love to do, no one has to motivate you
 Your shape reveals your ministry, but your servant’s heart will reveal your maturity
 Great opportunities often disguise themselves in small tasks
 I serve God by serving others

3. “Go and make disciples”: You were made for a mission, so your purpose is to share God’s message through evangelism.
 The Great Commission was given to every follower of Jesus
 It is easy to get distracted because Satan would rather have you do anything besides sharing your faith
 God wants to say something to the world through me.
 It has never been easier in history to fulfill your commission to go to the whole world
 Your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts
 People may refuse our love or reject our message, but they are defenseless against our prayers

4. “baptize them into…”: You were formed for God’s family, so your purpose is to identify with his church through fellowship.
 Real fellowship happens when people get honest about who they are and what is happening in their lives
 Every time you understand and affirm someone’s feelings, you build fellowship
 When conflict is handled correctly, we grow closer to each other
 Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less
 Reconciliation focuses on the relationship while resolution focuses on the problem

5. “teach them to do all things…”: You were created to become like Christ, so your purpose is to grow to maturity through discipleship.
 God is far more interested in what you are than in what you do
 Gods ultimate goal for your life on earth is not comfort; but character development
 Everything that happens to you has spiritual significance
 What happens outwardly in your life is not as important as what happens inside you.
 God develops the fruit of the Spirit by allowing you to experience circumstances in which you’re tempted to express the exact opposite quality!
 Temptation is a sign that Satan hates you, not a sign of weakness or worldliness

6 weeks and counting...

Being pregnant for the first time at 40. Well, I can say it's been interesting. My first trimester I didn't have the nausea that most experience but I didn't feel "good" either. I remember being very tired almost all the time. I also had TERRIBLE pregnancy sinusitis. So bad so that I had to go to a specialist when I was home in Georgia for some relief. Unforunately he just took one look at me, and said "yeah you're pregnant so there's not much I can do." Ummmm thanks.

My second trimester was characterized by being up 3-4 times each night to go to the bathroom and to drink water. I have learned in my pregnancy at least that sleeping on my right side causes me to wake up much more frequently and it also causes me to become dehydrated while sleeping on my left side doesn't nearly as much. Why? I have absolutely no clue and I don't know if that's true for other mothers out there but it's what I've seen over the past 5 months or so.

The third trimester is just all about Chloe growing and kicking me constantly throughout the day, sitting on my diaphram (or at least it feels that way) so even breathing is sometimes difficult and just all over pains. That's not to mention the swollen feet and ankles which make me look like the elephant man! lol

Still, if I'm being honest I've been incredibly fortunate. My sister has experienced a LOT of sickness throughout her 3 pregnancies. She's due with her third two days before me but they've already scheduled a c-section for May 18th. Right now I am trying to do a natural birth but at my last checkup the doctor said Chloe was still breach (her head resting nicely on my ribs - ugh) and that if she didn't turn by 36 weeks there was little chance she would turn and so he would schedule a c-section for a week before her due date. That may mean that Chloe and Emma are born on the same day but we're still praying she'll turn so no plans as of yet.

Tonight Alan and I read up on breech babies and options for turning the baby. He had all along jokingly said that I could stand on my head for two hours each day and he knew Chloe would turn around and go figure if that's not one of things we found they suggest you do lol. 35 weeks pregnant weighing as much as I do standing on my head? Not going to happen lol. They also suggested Alan sing to Chloe below my belly button and that we put frozen vegetables up near her head as babies tend to hate cold and navigate to warmer places lol. We laughed as we read through all the homemade remedies. In the end we'll just trust God and if she turns then great and if she doesn't then we'll have the c-section.

We're almost there. It's only 6 weeks to go this upcoming Thursday and even less if the c-section is required. On Saturday I packed my suitcase and Chloe's bag for the hospital. I've got all the basic necessities that we need I think with a few small exceptions that I can pick up later. Chloe's room is pretty much ready besides needing to frame a few things my sister sent me and this is our last week of classes until after the birth.

Crazy, crazy, crazy. I still can't believe we're pregnant at 40 and 47 respectively. Only God could have come through for us as He has and we are so thankful to all of you that prayed for us that we would get pregnant. I can't wait to be a mom to a little girl and Alan is sooo looking forward to being a dad. The whole baby thing, breast feeding, first aid, what you do when your baby won't stop crying and you don't know what's wrong, etc. still freaks me out but I've been told by some very reliable sources (mom, best friend, sister) that it'll all come natural after Chloe is here. I sure hope so or you guys are in big trouble!

A Purpose Driven Life

I'm titling this blog entry to correspond with the book we are studying in our housegroup through the 40 days of Lent. Most people in the group have done the study in the past and I think I read the book about 10 years ago but for some reason I'm getting so much more out of it doing it with a group of folks that are committed to reading it and committed to encouraging eachother through a Facebook discussion group. I'll summarize what we've read so far in terms of what it's meant to me and what God is teaching me through it.

When we first arrived in Germany I felt so on fire for God and excited about our ministry here. I was having my quiet time every day, praying for our supporters every day and memorizing German scripture verses. I had committed to not getting on my computer until I had my quiet time each day whether I "felt" like it or not. Some days it was really hard to hear from God and sometimes I felt so incredibly close to Him but I noticed that those days where I took the time and made the effort I had a lot of peace, joy and I felt really on fire for God.

Then we started school and we were getting up reallllllly early and rushing around trying to get everything done and so my quiet times started to fall until after we got home but then when we got home we were hungry and tired and just wanted to relax and so several days I missed my quiet time all together. I would still pray and talk to God but the more days that went by where God wasn't first in my day the more down, unpeaceful and discouraged I became.

Then came this study. We made a commitment to do the study with our housegroup and Alan and I started three days early and then re-did those three days with the rest of the group. As I allowed Gods word and the truths in this book sink into my heart I again began to feel hope and peace and much less discouraged. It's been twelve days now and I haven't missed a day studying the chapter, reading Gods word and praying He will reveal himself to me more and more each day. For a while there when I wasn't sticking close to God the devil and my flesh had a hay day on my spirit and on our marriage. How silly we are to think that we are not at war each day with a very real and live enemy bent on destroying us. How forgetful we become that our flesh is still at work to pull us away from God and toward the world.

The things so far that have really stood out to me in the book are:
Ch 2: You are not an accident - "If there was no God, we would all be "accidents," the result of astronomical random chance in the universe... your life would have no purpose or meaning or significance. There would be no right or wrong, and no hope beyond your brief years here on earth. But there is a God who made you for a reason, and your life has profound meaning! We discover that meaning and purpose only when we make God the reference point in our lives."

Ch 3: What drives your life? I felt convicted that at times I have been driven by guilt, resentment or anger and by fear. I no longer feel driven by material things and while I appreciate and need others approval it's not a driving force in my life. I want a focused life. Focused like light through a laser beam - able to cut through metal. I want a life focused on Christ and his purpose for my life. Am I there yet? No but I do believe in the past several years that when the big choices and big decisions have come up I have passed the test. It's the little stuff that seems to trip me up. Life here on this earth is truly a test. I love how Warren puts it though when he says we will have a final exam before we enter eternity but because God wants us to pass this test he has given us the two questions in advance. The first is "What did you do with my Son, Jesus Christ?" It's not about your religious background or doctinal views - it's about whether or not you accepted what Jesus did for you and did you learn to love and trust him. This first question determines where we will spend eternity. The second question will be "What did you do with what I gave you?" What did you do with the gifts, talents, opportunities, energy, relationships and resources God gave you? This second question determines what you do in eternity - what God will put you in charge of, what rewards you will receive and eternity is a LONG time! Why we focus so much on the here and now when we have eternity to look forward to is a really good question.

Ch 4: Made to Last Forever: "If your time on earth were all there is to your life, I would suggest you start living it up immediately. You could forget being good and ethical, and you wouldn't have to worry about any consequences of your actions. You could indulge yourself in total self-centeredness because your actions would have no long-term repercussions. But -- and this makes all the difference -- death is not the end of you! Death is not your termination, but your transition into eternity, so there are eternal consequences to everything you do on earth. Every act of our lives strikes some chord that will vibrate in eternity."

Ch 6: Life is a temporary assignment: "Repeatedly the Bible compares life on earth to temporary living in a foreign country. This is not your permanent home or final destination. You're just pssing through, just visiting earth." Just like Alan and I are foreigners in Germany and life here sometimes is really tough and lonely and frustrating, we are also foreigners on this earth and things aren't how we'd have them to be. They aren't supposed to be. This is a fallen world and it's not our home.

These are just some of the things that have really touched me so far reading this book. I am grateful for a group of believers that have struggles just like Alan and I do but that are so encouraging to us and that show us through their successes and failures, hopes and short-comings that we are not alone and that God is still a God of forgiveness and love. He takes pleasure in US! We make God smile when we live for Him - when we live to bring him glory. He is deserving of the very best we have to offer but when we screw up, he doesn't condemn us. He doesn't accuse us. He doesn't stop loving us. He helps us up, brushes us off and encourages us to try again. I love that.

Breakdowns - the theme for the week?

No I'm not just speaking of Alans and my breakdown on the autobahn last night. Officialy I've had two total breakdown/meltdowns this week that I'm not proud of. The first came Wednesday night when we were trying to get to housegroup on time. I was driving and about 10 minutes into our drive Alan realized he didn't have either his bible or his German lesson book that he was going to study on our way to housegroup. He knew he had them when he was heading out the door and thought he either put them on top of the car or on the stairs going down to the car and so we decided to turn around to find them. When we got back home his bible and book were nowhere to be found so I told him to check the apartment and sure enough he'd left them in the kitchen. No emergency after all but now we were going to be late to housegroup. Ugh - we hate being late.

So we're driving and we take this route which I hate but the satellite nav insists it's the shortest way. The reason I hate it is because it goes through the mountains and the German drivers insist on driving right up on your tail to try to intimidate you I guess. Talk about stressful! Well Wednesday night was no different and as we drove out of the mountains and we got to the bottom of the hill we found a huge line of traffic waiting for the light before you go onto the motorway. So we waited... and waited... and waited. About 20 minutes later I'm getting really frustrated because the line of traffic we are trying to turn into continue to block the intersection making it impossible for anyone coming from our direction to turn. It's too congested to be anything but a bad accident and I'm watching the clock and saying, well now they're having dinner and now they're singing and now they're praying -- all the while knowing we were still 20-25 minutes out even if traffic started moving right away. Ugh.

You see - I really, really needed to get to housegroup. I had been feeling so incredibly depressed this past week with adjusting to life here in Germany. I had experienced off and on anxiety about being a first time mom and the language learning, especially for Alan, has become another big stressor. Being around other believers and being encouraged is something we look forward to all week and it didn't look like we were going to make it or if we did, it would be for the last five minutes only... ugh.

Have you ever noticed that when you get stressed, others around you start getting stressed too and suddenly it's no longer about the German tailgaters or the terrible traffic or having to turn around to try and find something that wasn't lost to begin with but suddenly it's about you and the other person and you're taking jabs at eachother over nothingness and that makes you more stressed, etc., etc? Well this was what was happening with Alan and me. In a matter of about fifteen minutes I had gone from being upset about our circumstances and my depression over the past week to being upset with Alan. I can probably safely say that my pregnancy hormones had taken over but when I started to cry I just couldn't stop. This in turn stressed Alan out unimaginably. Needless to say we turned around and went back home. We sorted things out between us after a good prayer time and I was able to call my mom and get encouragement from her as well which I needed.

Then last night we decided we wanted to go and see the English version of The King's Speech which was playing in Mannheim. Unfortunately our car had other plans and as we were driving along the autobahn it decided to breakdown. Fortunately Alan got it over to the side of the road but German drivers on the autobahn drive so incredibly fast that we knew we couldn't stay there for long. Someone could very easily hit the car so we needed to get out and phone someone for help. As my week would have it though my phone decided to die at the exact same moment as the car and my phone has all our church friends numbers stored in it. Alan brought his phone but the only number it had in it was my mobile phone, our home phone and Cathy Thompsons phone number in Hungary. Alan thought it would be a good idea to walk down the autobahn and cross over into a field where there was a road we could walk on into the small town about a mile away but I was terrified of walking on the autobahn so I made him climb over a metal barrier and cross a big field. Unfortunately I managed to get caught on the metal barrier and my favorite maternity jeans tore from my butt to almost my knee. Insert breakdown number 2 here.

I won't go into the details but it wasn't pretty. Here I am over 6 months pregnant, walking through a plowed field trying to make it to someone who could give us the phone numbers of our friends, a tow service and a mechanic. My jeans are torn and Alan is saying how we just need to relax and trust God. At this point I didn't care about trusting God. I was mad at God. Mad at Him for calling us to Germany, mad at Him for not giving us a reliable car, mad at Him for letting my phone die, etc., etc. AND I was mad at Alan. Mad that he hadn't gotten our car fixed when it started acting up a while ago, mad that he didn't manage to help me over the barrier so I wouldn't tear my jeans, mad that he kept insisting I was going to fall in the field and so could we please walk on the road instead. Yeah breakdown number 2 wasn't pretty either.

You know the one good thing about being with someone that loves you? Truly? He'll forgive you when you're freaking out and blaming him for everything. Alan always does and God does too. For some reason that hit me in the face later because I attribute God to having so much less love for me than my human relationships and in reality those relationships don't hold a candle to how much God loves me. AND He doesn't abandon his children when they need him. Yes they might experience a breakdown, get hurt or damaged trying to get help, stumble a bit for a while through a dirty field but He's always there and all things work together for good for those that love God. All things. Not the occassional few or most things but all things. This was no exception.

For example: God provided a newstand with a sweet lady that loaned us her phonebook. We rang our pastor who gave us the number for a recovery service in addition to calling our other friends in the church and asking them to drive out to help us. He provided a sweet man in the newstand who told me where I could find a bank and then he followed me there to make sure I found it ok. God provided a recovery service that towed our car to the church where we could leave it until we figured out what to do with it. Finally he provided our friend Matt who came to meet us, picked me up from the train station where I was waiting for Alan, drove me to the church to meet Alan and then he gave us the church van as the pastor said we could use it until we got our car sorted. Provision, faithfulness, unfailing love.

Today we got to see The King's Speech and loved it. We spent a few hours before the movie enjoying Mannheim, walking Webster and eating 1/2 meter long bratwurst.

Is living here easy? No. It's really hard sometimes but is it worth it to see God working in your life and watching over you so evidently? Yes.

God willing Alan and I will be parents in 12 weeks. We'll either get our car fixed or God will provide something else. We're learning German and we're meeting some great people from around the world while we do it. Yesterday I took orchids to two of our sweet neighbors that we've met who have been very kind to us and just knew this was where God wanted us.

Will I have more breakdowns? I hope not. I hope I can become more grounded in the assurance of Gods love and faithfulness so that when these acute stress moments come I can take a deep breath, widen my vision, pray and deal with them constructively rather than destructively. It's all about Gods grace and I'm so glad for it.